Superman flies faster than a speeding bullet; The Hulk hones super strength; Batman’s tool belt has all the necessary gadgets. When I was growing up, I filled some of those boring time voids thinking about what superpowers I would take on if I could choose. Would it be time travel to get out of church? Flying to impress kids at recess? X-Ray vision, strictly for scientific purposes? The big name heroes have all the best powers.
But we have to keep in mind the lesser heroes whose powers only come in handy once in a while. Honestly, Aquaman, I need to know when to watch Shark Week. If I could create some heroes in my college years, they would have some pretty average powers to help me through the week. Here are a few:
Stovetop: Boils water instantly, so I don’t have to wait six minutes to cook some pasta. Stovetop draws some attention on the street, though, as he is basically a walking oven. His disguise doesn’t help much. Maybe he can heat our house so I don’t have to wear gloves inside anymore.
Beer Run Bob: Self explanatory – he’s really just a guy named Bob who goes on beer runs. He wears a mask for good measure.
One-liner Woman: Whether at the office water cooler or hanging out with friends, One-liner Woman swoops in to provide that perfect zinger when it’s on the tip of your tongue. Her canine sidekick, Pun Pooch, comes in for backup.
Clone Man: My schedule’s been pretty busy the past couple weeks, so it would be nice to send a clone to complete some of the less desirable tasks, like job interviews and phone surveys. Not to be confused with Cologne Man, who only reveals himself at sweaty bars on weekends.
Politifacto: Politifacto can pop up on cable news at a moment’s notice to bombard you with fact checks. A villain to opposing cable news stations, but on the upside, he also brings guacamole to the debates. This hero’s been pretty busy.
The Snowplow: Much better than Shovel Boy.
Pizza Man: Hold on … I’m getting word that Pizza Man already exists, and he drives a ’94 Civic. I believe he also takes coupons. That means he needs a sidekick, Rooster. Rooster can produce bottles of Sriracha hot sauce on command, adding all that spicy goodness at the snap of his feathers. I have a feeling I’d be spending a lot of time with these guys.