With less than a year until the 2012 presidential election, I’ve realized I won’t get away with avoiding politics entirely. But, as usual, I’ll weasel my way out of it by fudging an absurd yet somehow intriguing account. You’re not surprised.
The problem is, I don’t follow Obama enough to know if he’s a shoo-in for reelection or if he’s just above the Mendoza line for impeachment. (Side-note: a malapropism is when you misuse a word or phrase but everyone knows what you mean from the context nonetheless. I just did that.)
For our purposes, though, let’s assume Obama will be replaced. Let’s also assume that the American public will elect the best possible candidate.
Now, from basic logic, I am forced to conclude that in 2012 the Oval Office would belong to none other than Joanne Rowling. That’s right, J.K. Rowling. Just kidding, but seriously, J.K.
First of all, electing Rowling would demonstrate how progressive and flexible our country is by allowing not only the first female to become president, but also the first non-U.S. citizen. Screw guidelines and rules. Quite frankly, our country needs someone on the outside to take over anyway.
So who is better to reign supreme over us than the ruler of all Muggles? My television was already engulfed last weekend by Harry Potter. It felt like Big Brother was subliminally brainwashing us all through ABC Family.
It was the channel that could not be changed — and it was only showing the movie versions of the actual books, which are exponentially and awesomely more mind-controlling than the films. It’s pretty much a deal-breaker to me if you haven’t read the books. We can’t be friends.
But look, there’s actually good reason behind making the visionary behind Harry Potter president.
According to her Wikipedia page, Rowling said she is “obsessed with the United States elections because they will have a profound effect on the rest of the world.” Oh yeah? What about the profound effect she has?
It’s a bona fide fact that, in 2002, people went to see that awful Scooby-Doo movie in theaters just because the previews before it included the first full-length trailer for Harry Potter and the Chamber of Secrets. It doesn’t take a groovy minute in the Mystery Van to realize dedication like that is far out, man.
Just imagine the increases in loyalty and political participation from the youth. Younger generations would boost approval ratings to a whole new level. People would dress up in costumes just to vote on Election Day. I know I would.
Also, once she became involved she would feel personal responsibility. And if Rowling became personally invested, then maybe she would become financially invested. Perhaps she’d start chipping away at the national debt by reaching into her own pocket.
She’s already the first billionaire novelist the world has ever seen, so maybe she’d be the first president to personally stimulate the economy. Think about the cash flow, not to mention how many Sickles and Galleons she probably has stashed away
Rowling can be a super power for international relations too, considering her books were released in 93 countries. She could definitely help me get my column syndicated in the Guatemalan Prensa Libre (Free Press) or the Bulgaria Gazette, although I was really hoping for a spot in the Daily Prophet.
But the best part is that her term would eventually end. And what do presidents do when their terms are over? They write books.
If J.K. wrote a new series, then maybe people would actually start reading again. People need to do that. Mark Twain said something along the lines of, “a man who doesn’t read good books has no advantage over a man who can’t read.” But don’t quote me — I didn’t read it anywhere.
And really, if everything goes bad with Rowling as president, it wouldn’t matter in the big picture. The longer you stretch the timeline of humanity, the more it looks like nothing ever happened. So why not stir things up while we still have the chance?