If I wanted to watch crappy football masquerading as something worthwhile, I would’ve watched Marquette’s team more often.
But the weeklong lull is over. The greatest day of the year is only five short days away. Super Bowl Sunday is near. It’s Thanksgiving mixed with Christmas mixed with my birthday.
Even for those without a rooting interest, it has everything: The pinnacle of the football season, funny commercials, gluttonous amounts food, beer. I mean, really, what more can anyone ask for?
Well, that’s what I’m here for. I’m getting greedy. The Super Bowl is great, but it can be better. Here’s a list of changes that will take the Super Bowl from greatness to perfection.
Get rid of the old men playing at halftime
OK, we get it. Don’t show your nipple at the Super Bowl. Lesson learned.
We don’t need to be subjected to 20-years-past-their-prime rockers as the game’s “entertainment.” Since Janet and Justin’s “wardrobe malfunction,” here’s the list of halftime performers: Paul McCartney, The Rolling Stones, Prince, Tom Petty, Bruce Springsteen and The Who.
My lord those people are old. Not to knock them as entertainers, as I’m a fan of some of those acts. But come on, how about some bands in their prime? We promise they won’t take off their clothes.
Make the Monday after a national holiday
The day after the Super Bowl is one of the worst days of the year. The high of the big game, great food and partying with friends gets replaced with real-life obligations of work and school.
It’s “a case of the Mondays” times a thousand. What’s the perfect cure for the football fan’s post-partum depression? Make the day after hurt a little less, with no work or class.
Let’s be honest. There are national holidays for a lot less (Columbus Day? Presidents Day? I couldn’t even tell you what Presidents Day celebrates).
Look, the game officially kicks off at 5:30 p.m. With the commercials and the halftime show, the game won’t be over until well after 10 p.m. No one wants the party to end, so why does it have to?
Washington, let’s work some calendar magic and make Monday a holiday.
Crank up the advertising fee
Like I mentioned above, the game will last five-plus hours. I’m tired of the sequence of touchdown-commercial-extra point-commercial-kickoff-commercial.
I understand this is tied to TV revenue, so here’s a solution: Take whatever amount of revenue CBS will earn by selling airtime.
Keep that number, but divide it by fewer ad slots. This will a) increase the quality of commercials, since companies will have to commit more money to get an ad, and b) shorten the number of TV timeouts we have to endure.
Go to a party
This one has less to do with the Super Bowl itself and more about you personally. If you’re tempted to stay in and watch the game with your pathetic bag of chips and salsa, don’t. Don’t disrespect the Bowl like that.
You owe it to yourself to make it the best day possible. Find a party. Bring some good food (a plate of generously-topped nachos or a party sub are Super Bowl staples, but be creative).
Cherish the holiest of holy days with friends and family. A day like this only comes once a year.The Super Bowl is the all-American holiday, the one day of the year everybody comes together for a celebration of a violent game, unhealthy food and million-dollar 30-second commercials.
Super Bowl Sunday is already great. But why settle for great when we can have awesome?
This is America, people. Land of the free, home of the people who go over-the-top for everything.